Scribbles of da Beast

Counting to the days I’ve left until I start my work in Tioman, I really fell apart last night. I felt so low that I’ve lost the bright self-esteem that I had in me whenever a new challenge would come and breathe into my face. For the first after a long while, I really felt like a total failure.

I can’t help but wonder the mistakes I’ve done, the sins I’ve caused, the anger and pains that I’ve provoke into others. While I look at other couples who are either happy to be in each other’s presence or even arguing, I envy them. Regretting of my actions, I deserve this unfortunate luck with love. One thing for sure, love really make you do things that brings out the best in you. In certain cases, you don’t even need to be with the person to let her/him know that you’re head over heels with them. For me, I was loved by someone who made a huge impact in my life and I can’t thank her enough for that. Going seperate ways, this Tioman job is really perfect for me to forget my past and look into the future. Hopefully I do get the chance to carry out my research at the island for my Master’s and after that, well only Allah knows.

I’m sorry that I made you feel hurt so much that I wasn’t good enough for you. You’re right, you don’t deserve to get mad from me and I guess this is just a sign that I don’t deserve love after all. I do admit that I’ve been praying hard for you because your happiness always come first. I miss seeing your smiles, hearing those words, and your touch of comfort. Just like any wave, the time has come for me to be drift away from you. Dear, I wish you all the best and may fortune and happiness always be by your side.

*sigh*

—– 6 years ago ——

1. How old were you?:
- 19 and enjoying my last teen days

2. Where did you go to school?:
- Dow Medical College, Karachi, Pakistan

3. Where did you work?:
- in my room..

4. Where did you live?:
- Apartment 4005, Defence Garden, Karachi

5. Where did you hang out?:
- just lepak together with my bros.. *sigh* i miss the days of the three hermanos, don’t ya bin?

6. Did you wear glasses?:
- nope

7. Who was your best friend(s)at that
time? :
- Bin.. Kakak Elly.. Munir.. Nannie.. Shariff.. Puffer..

8. How many tattoos did you have? :
- none

9. How many piercings did you have? :
- none

10. How many scars? :
- just 3

11. What car did you drive? :
- didn’t drive any car yet..

12. Had you been to a real party? :
- wherever the hermanos goes, it’s always a party.. hehe..

13. Had your heart broken?
- haven’t experienced that yet..

14. Were you
Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?:
- single but was hoping for a miracle

————-2 years ago———–

1. How old were you? :
- jordan’s number, 23

2. Where did you go to school? :
- KUSTEM, the place where I wanted to realize my interest with marine life

3. Where did you work? :
- in the hostel room and the library

4. Where did you live? :
- bilik ANN 327-4

5. Where did you hang out? :
- where i’m mostly to be found at: the library…

6. Did you wear glasses? :
- still clear vision

7. Who were your best friend(s)? :
- still the same as 4 years before, but with additional of sharon, prince of siam, Azhar (owh stop laughing).. and of course, my moonlight..

8. How many tattoos did you have? :
- still none

9. How many scars? :
- still 3

10. How many piercings did you have? :
- strike 3, still none..

11. What car did you drive? :
- rented fucked up kancil

12. Had your heart broken? :
- yeap… 3 times…

13. Were you
Single/Taken/Married/Divorce? :
- happily residing in the kampung of my sayang’s warm hugz

————–Today————–

1. How old are you?:
- 25 and ain’t too old for this shit..

2. What school do u go to? :
- upgraded to UMT (I still say UMM is the better choice for the name)

3. Where do you live? :
- rented house that’s close enough for me to enjoy the cool breeze from the open seas and annoyed by the sound of the jet planes…

4. Do you wear glasses? :
- clear but i’m worrying that i may soon be on the specs…

5. Who are your best friends? :
- same as 2 years ago but added with da whole FAMILY!!! 

6. Do you talk to your old friends? :
- yeap, that’s why the internet was invented for.. well other than p0rn.. haha..

7. How many piercings do you have? :
- no piercings at all

8. How many tattoos? :
- i’m all clean dude..

9. How many scars? :
- 3 plus hundreds more that I got during my internship..

10. What kind of car do you have? :
- BeamZ, my blue kancil… the car where my FRIENDS can ride!!!

11. Has your heart been broken?:
- heart? given away and returned in FUBAR (fUCKED uP bEYOND aLL rECOGNITION)

12. Are you
Single/Taken/Married/Divorce? :
- divorced from true love

REPOST AS "HOW MUCH HAVE YOU CHANGED
IN 6 YEARS"

My bros and I have this one motto that we share about life, "Hope for the best. Expect the worst." It applies to much of the hardships we had to go through in Karachi, and it still does despite me being back in Malaysia.

For the past 3 months, I’ve been hoping that the Marine Biology annual dinner would run smoothly as I had planned. However, I did expect for the errors to occur. Despite the fact my team and I managed to pull off the annual dinner, I wasn’t satisfied with the outcome, especially with my performance. Due to my lack of awareness with other tasks at hand, it has caused a domino effect on other tasks as well. Of course this is not a one-man show, but as a leader, I wasn’t careful enough to minimize the probability for the mistakes to occur. The main problem among the others were the lack of cooperation and initiatives. Knowing that many lack these two characteristics, I would really blame myself for not handling it properly.

What hurts me the most was the fact I did not had the chance to deliver my speech. I guess this was a true blessing in disguise for a few people that night for I had plans to strike criticisms with my sharp tongue. It was a night to bid farewell the seniors, and welcoming the juniors. Both have the right to know the real situation of what’s happening with the current executive committee members. That night was particularly the perfect time to clear the air of mistakes and apologize to them for the immaturity of the change in leadership.

In addition, I wanted to take the oppurtunity to maybe teach a bit of Tagalog so that all would be able to make Dr. Siti (our head-coordinator for Marine Biology course) feel highly appreciated of her culture. Not many people in my batch know what it feels like to be a foreigner in a different culture. Dr. Siti has gone through a lot to make herself and the students feel comfortable with her teaching and sharing the knowledge she has to give.

I have few people to give credit and thank for their time and effort, especially with my family. Of course, the others who gave in their much needed help. Thank you very much for the effort that each of you have given. My apologies for not giving credit in stating your name, but I do want to let you know that I hope to return my gesture for the contribution that each of y’all have helped with. My fellow EJ, miaow2, 3834, Sutra Beach Resort, Nizam, and of course, the loving family.. what would I ever do without you guys. We manage to pull it off, although we had hoped it would be a blast, but sadly it was unexpectedly to be quite dull. Cheers to ya guys~!!

It’s 5am right now, and just what the heck am I doing awake? Well let’s just say that I’ve been somehow carrying too much stress and workload in me that somehow I just had a wonderful dream where I end up releasing millions of my lil’ guys while sleeping.. What? Want me to say it in other words? Nah.. can’t be bothered.. Hehe.. But seriously…..

Well it’s only less than 48 hours to go until the big night, the Marine Biology Annual Dinner. Never have I ever imagined the headaches I would have to go through, the marathon (well just a bit I guess since I’m lucky enough to have my BeaMz to get me around) of meeting one person and another with arrangements, having to make my wallet go thinner in utilising hotlink prepaid cards, and of course, the countless of times thinking to myself "my team and I are gonna pull it off the best we can". Cheers to my family for always coming up with the wackiest and creative ideas. Heck, if it wasn’t for you guys, surely the course night wouldn’t be as "sweet" as we had planned it to be. What to say, we’re just the variety of spices in life. Hehe…

Other than that, I have to say that this semester has been a bit messy with me getting too much involved with other extra curricular activities. Yet at the same time, how I wish all of the classes are being taught in proper english, and that the class are worth attending to. Especially that biostat class, I mean damn I don’t even understand a single concept in that class. No matter, I’m sure I’ll be able to catch up as my son-in-law papadam would tell me that 3 full days is all I need to get ready for the exams. Speaking of which, the big exams will take place in about 3 weeks and a couple of days more. After that, it’s gonna be the Industrial Training at Melaka with WWF. To the driver of "3834", don’t worrie, just in case, I will make sure that all of us get to do our practical there. Until then, I just gotta keep holding on until the big night of THE SWEET ESCAPE.   ^_^

That’s the 2 words I really hate when it comes to relationship.. My ex told me that’s what I gave her most of the time.. Yet ironically, that’s what she left me in the end… We all tend to give others false hope, bcuz it’s our tedency to let others know that we meant no harm in doing so.. We gave them that expectation which the person would eventually have something to look forward to.. That’s the problem though, we let their mind wander into believing that there’s something waiting for them at the end of the road.. That false hope creates this mirage which we all want, but cannot have.. One thing for sure, we all don’t like to get false hope.. But, can we be blame if we gave the false hope without knowing that we did so? or when we had no intention to do so in the first place? When it comes to love, people can easily say that she/he will love the person forever.. Is it ever true? That’s the obvious false hope that everyone gives, and up till now, I still do love Laila. It’s a great loss, but I know she’s very much happy with her life, and that’s what matters the most.. So when making promises or wanting to dedicate such action, remember that one shouldn’t let it become a false hope.. We all tend to feel it, especially those with the broken hearts…   *sigh*

Damn.. It sure was freaking hot today, I mean the sunlight was basically scorching my skin cells by the time I step out of the house. Owh well, let’s blame on all of us for the excessive production of carbon dioxide.

Other than the heat, things are slowly getting busier each day. Ranging from the marine biology annual dinner, the final year project, ELS activities, debate training, and of course with studies, I just hope I can get it through. For some, having to keep themselves preoccupied with so many tasks would give a sense of direction with their life. Then there are those that would do so only to forget their past. For sure I’m one of them, and one thing for sure, I ain’t doing this to get any attention. It’s the only way for me to rehabilitate from that regretful past. I do miss the good old days, but at times, I wish I could relive those moments of every second that I felt my life was truly at happiest. We all can’t have everything we want in life, but we can make the best out of the things that we have at the moment. How I wish I could still have that reason for me to enjoy my smile.

Ok, enough with that crap. I still got other headaches to worry about, but heck, it’s all part of life. Only less than a month to go until the final exams, and then the start of my industrial training at WWF in Melaka. Plus, the start of my sampling for my final year project, which is "Nest analysis of hawksbill turtle eggs incubated under hatchery conditions in Padang Kemunting, Melaka". Sounds complicated, eh? Well basically it’s having to conduct survey and observing the nest at the hatchery by which the hawksbill turtle eggs that were brought from the original nest. This is my part of contributing to the conservation toward the marine turtle in Malaysia, and I do hope I could carry on what Prof Chan Eng Heng started with the Sea Turtle Research Unit (SEATRU). I no longer seek the future I wanted to have when I was with Laila. So this is the best I want to make out of, and let myself be more dedicated in preserving our nature that celebrates of Allah’s majestic creations of life.

The past few days, this is what I’ve been feeling for you… Despite the fact we do talk, yet you dunno how exactly how I feel.. Just like a dream, you’re just someone I find happiness in your presence.. If you were to listen what I’ve been tuning to, then go ahead and read the lyrics….

I Could Fall in Love
by Selena

I could lose my heart tonight,
If you don’t turn and walk away
Cause the way I feel I might
Lose control and let you stay
Cause I could take you in my arms,
And never let you go
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you

I could only wonder how
Touching you would make you feel
But if I take that chance right now,
Tomorrow will you want me still?
(baby will you want me? )
So I should keep this to myself,
And never let you know
I could fall in love with you
(I could fall in love with you)
I could fall in love with you

And I know it’s not right,
And I guess I should try
To do what I should do
But I could fall in love,
Fall in love, with you
I could fall in love with you

Siempre estoy soqando en ti
Besando mis labios, acariciando mi piel
Abrazandome, con ansias locas
Imaginando que me amas
Como yo podrma amar a ti
(translation:
I’m always dreaming of you
Kissing my lips, caressing my skin
Hugging me with crazy longings
Imagining that you love me
The way that I could love you)

So I should keep this to myself,
And never let you know
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love with you
I could fall in love, (fall in love)
I could fall in love, (fall in love) with you
I could fall in love with you.

No matter how busy I tend to keep myself,

No matter how hard I try to forget her,

She’ll always be there……

Just about month to go until I can let go of the duty… After that, I’m all free, and just concentrate of the future that lays ahead. Cuz one thing for sure, it’s all that I got…

I hate myself for still being in love with the gal whom I know I will never have…

There has been so many things I’ve been reminiscing about lately.. How I always thought my future was going to be like, the people I would bump into, the words that will come out of my mouth, the actions that I take with the touch of my hands… One thing for sure, it’s always nice to think back of the past.. Yet at the same time, the future is there waiting with open arms, but never there to greet us.. That’s where the present comes in, always there for us each and every single time of the way.. Right now, I’m happy that I have friends whom they have always been there for me, through good and bad.. They never failed to show the true meaning of friendships, and also love.. I may be the oldest, but doesn’t mean I’m not learning anything from them.. At times, I see them as my guidance as well.. My close group of friends, they’re so much like the family I’ve always hoped for when I was living back in Manila.. Just exactly the way I had envisioned while I had nothing better to do at the time but to look forward to my life in the future.. Because of the close bonds that we have, we also formed a family, which I’m very proud to be part of (by the way, I’m the grandpa).. Sure they all would pick on grandpa.. but seeing them laugh, that’s the reward I seek for bcuz knowing them are happy is what matters the most.. I’ve always wanted to have a family of my own, but the problem with this family, we may go our seperate ways soon.. When that time comes, I hope that all of us would be ready to say goodbye.. bcuz for me, it would be very hard since I love them all so much.. but I will pray hard for them all for success to follow wherever they may lead, and may life not be too cruel on them.. Losing someone we love is one of the things we fear in life, especially when the person means a lot.. The worst, is when having to lose them in a big bunch..

So before that happens, to my dear loving family: grandma (please be careful with the guys you go out with.. after what happened, I hope you’ll learn that no matter how sweet we guys can be, please be careful with our sour spot.. I know I have many which I’m not proud of).. daughter (you’ve always been right with your words.. and looking back, I’m glad I did what ya said even though it may hurt another person’s feelings.. also, I hope you get what ya wish for and with your creative thinking, it should lead you to a far path).. son-in-law (aiyaa.. i can’t believe you have never been to Suzi’s Corner before in Ampang.. well don’t worrie, now ya know, let’s hang out there again.. hehe.. I truly respect how you handle your time management, and your leadership skills.. your family are always proud of ya).. grand-daughters (to all 4 of you, never have one of you fail to show grandpa that life should never be sad or boring.. my kawaii~turtle, thank you for helping me to be organize and to push me to work hard and always there to say ‘gambatte’.. i hope the tongue will heal soon.. ;)  my PokeyMon, one more time ya stick your tongue at me, grandpa is gonna annoy you more.. hehe.. of all the advices you kasi, i’ll never forget bila you kata "jangan OK sangat kat orang lain yang tak buat baik kat kita, sebab orang tu tak rasa kisah kat awak"… how true are those words… my FuzzyBunny, cheh u ol, always busy dgn handphone i see ah.. why lah? hehe.. I do feel that you are truly matured beyond your age and always know the right words to say.. and it’s weird how people first thought we’re a couple.. aiyeerrr.. my DugongBird, grandpa always look to you to cheer me up bcuz you’re always full of laughs.. grandpa can’t keep myself happy at times, but you always can.. so, don’t let life be too mean on you bcuz grandpa is very sad to see my fav. grand-daughter sad too)…. grandsons (these boys will always be the boys I just wanna hang out with.. the boys that I can feel comfortable show my very bad and messy side of me.. yes.. they’ve seen how messy I can get in the house.. hehe… my JazzyJ, keep it up to the beatz.. I really can’t wait to see ya perform on the drums.. although I dunno much about ya, I’m glad to have ya as one of my close buddies in the house.. and thanks again for letting me use your notebook to do the report for field work…. my Rap&RollZ, thanks for the times you were there for me when I was out of hope, out of cash.. I never knew that I would end up being so close with ya when i first met ya teaching about the trombone.. ya put really put the "we" in SWEET.. and of course, making me believe in myself.. aku boleh ni!!  my PunkzP, grandpa lurrvess you too.. hehe… grandpa always make sure to get ya safe and fast in one piece so that ya don’t have to waste too much time getting there.. ya really got style and class.. and boy, how cute can ya get when being so shy.. hehe.. well whoever you fall for, I hope she’ll do ya good.. my fav. grandson.. thanks for dedicating a post about me in your blog.. I will always check on that post and remind myself how lucky I am to be alive)…

my family, thanks for the times you all keep on pushing me.. for the joys when we all laugh, for the tears when we are in pain… I’m never going to let you guys down, not after all that care you all given me through the time we’ve known each other.. my dear family, I love you all….

How long has it been,

How many times do I have to look at my fingers,

and flipping thru the calendars to count since day 1…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long has it been,

Why would this pain would not end,

when I try so avoid the flashbacks and the memories we had…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long has it been,

Where have you gone all these while,

for my heart just couldn’t stop loving as it heads to nowhere…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long has it been,

Who have you become that ponders in my mind,

the one I loved so much even to the extent I stood up against the odds to make you smile…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long has it been,

What will my life be like in different aspects,

if we had never met and both were on different uncrossed path…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How long has it been…. since the very moment I first love you.